Wordpress Welcome

Looks like wordpress has welcomed me with Open Arms:

En Chair et en Os (In the Flesh)
http://chairetos.wordpress.com/

I'm moving :-)

Hey there readers,

So on the fly I decided that I really didn't want to do this blog. It's  filled with so many memories, and feelings that quite frankly I don't really want to carry on with me on this new life journey. I love writing, and I really want to share with my readers everything from my thoughts, my ideas, my passions, my struggles and my disappointments. I don't even know what to call this blog, but I know it's gonna be great (great for me, and really that's all that matters ;-)) I'm moving from blogger.com, and will post it on here when I figure out the name, and everything else.

Thanks to everyone who has shared this journey with me, and I look forward to having you ride the new train.

Peace ya'll
xoxo
JBC

I grow

It's actually pretty scary when you experience healing in your soul. Scary because it's a feeling you're not really familiar with. It's also a feeling that I am ready, willing and able to embrace! It motivates you to reach the once unreachable.

I know peace, I grow, I live, I love, I free myself

Love and light ya'll 

How my love came down

Unfortunately this isn't a story about my feminine whiles and my girly love exploding ;-). This is just a check-in on how love and light is permeating my being.

I've come to realize in order to truly love and live I needed to let the E go and just go. My ego plays a huge role in who I am, what I do, and how I live. Nothing to brag about, but a girl needs some defense mechanism-- and what better to defend her than the biggest cookie snatcher known to mankind (Cue the dramatic sound and lights). Well I know some cookie snatching purple people eaters, but this ain't about them or my bouts of temporary insanity.

And in true Jenny fashion it all stops here.

Loves and hugs :-*

I'm in love

I use to think I knew what love was until last weekend. I've felt it, I've experienced it, I've learned about it, and I have read about it.  Most importantly I studied it via John the Baptist who lays out the foundation on how to love through Christ. Last weekend I attended a close family friends' engagement party. Prior to attending I was a little nervous because I was spending the weekend with the whole family.  I have only met two, and though they were great I wasn't sure about the others (only because I hadn't met them yet).

After what seemed like a long drive we arrived to White Plains (Westchester County), NY and I took a much needed nap. As I drifted in and out of sleep I was wondering how the interaction would be once the family came home. Would we have great conversations? Would they like me? Would we have anything to discuss? This went on for a few hours until it was time for me to run some errands with the mom (who I have met). Conversation with her was great. She asked me how I was doing, I helped her with her errands and we made our first stop to pick up one of her daughters. She greeted me immediately with a hug and a smile. I breathed a sigh of relief. This won't be so bad after all. We exchanged some words until we dropped her off to pick up another daughter. Conversation with her too was off to a great start. My fears immediately disappeared. We got home, and the eldest daughter was already home. We hugged, kissed and exchanged I haven't seen you in  so longs. I immediately got to work helping them with the many projects to prepare for Saturday's festivities. My first night with the family was a success. 


Throughout working and interacting with the sisters and other family members I began to feel some sort of connection. Not only a connection with them, but also a connection within my spirit. There was so much love and light being poured out from them that you couldn't possibly not be touched. Throughout my short time with them I fell in love. I fell in love with myself, I fell in love with my spirit and I fell in love with life and everything that it embodies. How does one fall in love in such a short period of time? Love is such a strong element that it physically, mentally and spiritually attacks you without a blink of an eye. Love puts a strong hold on your heart once you ALLOW it, and it will take a force stronger than the Universe (impossible) to remove this element from your life.

Last weekend I became a believer of love at first sight. I learned that throwing love out there will not only benefit those that need it, but it will also mend my torn interior. I have to continuously remind myself that  I won't feel like this all the time.  There are days where I will feel like the world is crumbling at my feet, and there won't be any where to turn. In spite of these shortcomings that will for sure enter my world love will still have a home in my spirit.

For now I am thankful for this love that has completely taken over. I am thankful for that weekend in White Plains with 3 amazing women that helped me began my journey of finding true love and light. I pray that they will be showered with blessings and continue to have a spirit that inspires change.

Signed,
Loved Saved Girl

In memory of

I've been meaning to come here for a while, but I have been avoiding it like the bubonic plague.  In the back of my mind I knew what needed to be done on here. I needed to let it all out, and let the universe make with it what it wanted. So many things I need to touch on, but we will start slow! I mean there's a point where you stop bleeding. Right? Right???? I truly hope so.

June 5th marked the anniversary of my dads birthday. For years I never said anything about him, his birthday or his death (because I didn't know the exact day until a couple of months ago). Not because I was ashamed, but truly because that was a piece of me that I didn't want to share with anyone. In addition to not wanting to share this with anyone I really didn't think anyone cared to listen about how I felt about the whole situation.

Over the past few years I have gone through so many emotions related to him. I've gone from hating him, to missing him, to wanting to turn back the hands of time, and that little girl yearning for a touch she will never feel again. Currently I have reached the point where I can talk about him, I can look at pictures without feeling betrayed and guilty for being a statistic. I do miss that man though.  There is so much I would have learned, and so much I wouldn't have done if I had him in my life.  Not because I needed a paternal figure in my life--I have plenty of those, but because he could set me straight.

July 22 marks the 19th anniversary of his death. A death that not only took me by surprise, but completely turned my life around. I had an ah ha moment in 2008 because I thought a certain event justified why he was no longer around, but I take that ah ha moment back.  I am hoping and praying that God grants me some sort of clarity.

Than I will thank God for granting me that moment of clarity---that moment of honesty.

Yours till the rain bows

Jenny

Breakthru

Over the years I have made a list of things that I needed to work on. I've always been so hard on myself, I've been my worst critic, and always looking for "better" Throughout my blog there were a few things that kind of stuck out like a sore thumb. I needed to work on humility, needed to working on trusting the Lord with all my heart, and trusting myself. I needed to learn how to love, and let myself be loved.  I also needed to work on feeling. I have a hard time putting my emotions on the table and that affects everything. It affects the way I come across when speaking to people, it affects my intimate relationships, and it affects just my over all being.
I am also a certified overachiever always trying to one-up no one other than myself.

But when you put up such a hard face/hard front there is a period when you crash and burn. During this crash and burn period you are left to pick up the pieces all by yourself because you've never let anyone close enough to help you put the pieces back together.  So what have I done to make a small breakthru in the life of this hard ass girl?  I've allowed myself to feel, I've allowed myself to be emotionally available not only to myself, but to others.  I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and I have held myself accountable for everything and anything that I have done whilst being vulnerable.  Oh how it hurts though to feel. I have allowed myself to cry (ahhhhhhhhhhhh) in the presence of the one person I promised to never be vulnerable to.

Why she so hard? You'll have to go through one of my postings to find out :-)

My next phase: To open up a bit more, to not be so guarded and to not be so distant.

You wouldn't know this just by looking at me.  There are a lot of things that you probably can't tell just by looking at me.  I probably won't capture everything throughout this journey, but if you are around me perhaps you will see a difference.

Loving you

It never dawned on me until now that loving you hurt you as much as it hurt me.  I seriously wish I could take it back. Not taking back loving you because that was grand lol. Taking back the pain would be clutch

I miss everything about you

I tried over and over to articulate how I have been feeling this past few weeks, but my pride won't let me admit it. But as I was searching for the words today Colbie Caillat's I never told you came on and I said it all for me. I should; however; in the near future put on my big girl panties and just say what I need to say, but in the meantime listen to Colbie w/ me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YtzsUdSC_I&ob=av2e

Stainless Steel

My heart bleeds. My heart bleeds in excess all the time. It's always like a river flowing in the valley, and never a boulder in sight to stop the flow. When it's time to pick up the pieces I take my bandages and dress up my very deep wounds. N0 one ever knows that I bled, I bleed or that I am bleeding. I was born superwoman. Mentally and physically fit to take on life's pains. I am ready though. Ready to be vulnerable to myself, to my heart and to my wounds. All in the name of love.

Leveling up

Wow. It is so amazing when you can actually feel an inner transformation within yourself. I can actually feel myself opening up

Hardest thing I ever had to write

You’ve told me countless time last Saturday to not worry about it, but it’s been hard to put it out of my mind. So I will say what I’ve said over and over again one last time: I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot of things. Not because of what happened because I think this needed to happen. I needed to not have control over my emotions for one second and be vulnerable for a few moments—for once in my life. I apologize for putting you in a complicated position right now in your life, and for making you do what is possibly uncharacteristic of you. I imagine what would have happened if time was on our side. I am grateful that it wasn’t.

I also am sorry for waiting this long to show you this emotional side of me. I confess it’s always been there, but I am amazing at faking the funk. I can’t really say how this made you feel, but if it were me I would be scared, confused and upset. I would ask myself “Why is she showing me now what I would have liked to see so long ago.” Truth is I am emotionally insecure particularly when it comes to you. Not sure why or when that began, but I always felt that I shouldn’t ever let you know how I really feel. In the back of my mind it’s always like what you are feeling can’t be real---nothing is ever real (at least not for me or they just never seem real).

I’m sorry for crying because I imagine how that made you feel. It was selfish of me to make the situation even more awkward then it was. I cried because I fucked up---I truly did. I let my boundaries get in the way of my emotions and I’ve heard a few times eventually the walls come crumbling down. They didn’t need to come down on your kitchen floor—seriously.
To be honest I can’t even recall how this began on Saturday. One minute we were talking then the next I was wrapped in your arms not wanting you to leave and hoping that our little encounter would lead to something else. Again I am grateful it didn’t because the feelings of guilt and remorse I am feeling now would have intensified. Who wants to be “that girl”?—not me.

How do I feel? That’s been the topic of conversation with myself these past few days. I’m not sure how I feel, how I should feel or what I am allowed to feel. I know what I need to feel though-weird? I know I need to feel like Saturday never happened, and that I never felt good with your arms around me or with good your kisses on my lips were. I know that I need to feel like the words I said to you did not exist—however true they rang. I also need to be aware however good, weird, awkward Saturday felt---it was still wrong. And you called it- I respect you even more for that.

I spent the rest of the weekend trying to figure out what you were thinking and trying to read the expressions that you left me with. It was a major fail on my part. What really stuck out was when you said “Let’s forget it ever happened”. Ideally this would be the best thing to do, but can you really? I know I can’t. Not until I have a conversation with you about it—until then I won’t be able to forget.

I hope this experience hasn’t changed your opinions of me, and I hope I haven’t lost a friend in the process. I really appreciate your friendship and our emotional connection---we just need to be mindful and keep it in check all the time. You don’t have to respond to this—hell I’m not even sure you will get a chance to read it, but in case you do I wanted to let you know that everything written comes from the heart.

Let's be honest

Ok so my last post I was a bit discouraged about Law School because of a few personal things going on in my life. I had to hang those thoughts and give myself a reality check. I am so over my worries, and I am looking forward to embarking in whatever journey my life decides to take!

Complete career shift

Hey Hey Hey (lol)

So for the past 20 odd years or so I have been so gungho about going to law school! There was so much that I wanted to do, and I couldn't make up my mind. I wanted to do Juvenile Advocacy, Corporate Law, International Relations and everything else under the sun. All for a specific reason. Now I find myself in some sort of conundrum. There is a different career path that I am considering. I don't even know where to begin with this one. I won't tell you what it is yet. I haven't lost my love for the legal field....I am very much still passionate about it. Is it my calling is what I am most concerned for. The scary moment when you realize your passion may not be your calling. I feel like I should take the LSATs...do well and then make that decision right?

Telling secrets

Admitting to someone that you love them is always so tricky. You never know what to expect or how to deal with the consequences of your actions.

Over it.com

I don't know how many of you were in "relationships" that you were not suppose to be in. And by this I mean relationships with people who were detrimental to your every being. Relationships that got you thinking what were you thinking. Yea JT was just that. He was controlling mentally and emotionally abusive, but hard to breakaway from.  Thank the good Lord we made our separate ways and lived to tell about it.

Balance

<p>My new thing to work on is balance. I've had a hard time keeping a balancing act. Been trying to balance my life, the life of those around me and just everything around me....thus becoming a living sacrifice for everyone that I love.

Laughing!

I've been really busy, and have not really had a chance to think about myself. As usual I have been thinking about everyone else, making sure everyone else is healthy, putting everyone elses needs before mine. You know the usual superwoman save the day type of heroin :-). In the midst of being superwoman, I've had to deal with being manipulated emotionally, lied to, a little vulnerable and some fun somewhere in the middle lol. It's really not in my nature to be selfish so I am not on a "i'm not doing anything for anyone anymore" warpath. I actually enjoy it, but I definitely have realized that I can only do so much.

Most of the vulnerability, manipulation etc.. has been my fault. I never learn! I'm always giving someone the benefit of the doubt and second chances. I never want to hurt peoples feelings, but let them hurt mine. I'm not complaining, but I just need to be better at letting people in.

I'm laughing because I am so grateful for life, and these different experiences. I've grown from them, and I am in a uphill battle trying to be better, do better and feel better. I am grateful for not having a spirit of animosity.

My first heartbreak continued….but not really.

Continued from previous post:
This story was going to be how Eduardo just ripped my heart out of its cavity, but I’m not dwelling on the past. Why bring up old memories when I have so many new ones that I can share. Working on bettering myself through the thoughts that entertain and the people I entertain. No worries the story wasn’t gonna get all extra juicy anyway. I’ll save that for blogspot after dark ;-)

This is my now...but not really

Can't believe how much I've lost sight of things I once use to fight for, and believe in. All things related to the development of myself. I've been so focused on how things are not the way they should be, and I've forgotten how to live, how to breathe, and how to grow. Blah blah blah...

As I reach my breaking point Jordin Sparks This is my Now comes next on the play list..I'm trying to relate Jordin I really am, but I just can't. At least not yet.