I will love you something FIERCELY

There is always that constant investigation about what Jae is about. I don't feel that I need to share this bit of information with anyone that I dont see myself sharing a piece of me with. Once I open up that box I am at risk of being vulnerable to that one person that knows what it is that makes my heart thump. When I; however; find that person who knows the every beat of my heart and the order of my rhythm I will be so open to letting them explore every crevice of my spirit and my soul. I am willing to share this whole me because love is indeed worth it. When you find that one person that will make you feel like your flying even with your feet on the ground there is nothing that can stop you from being free to live your life by that one persons love.

Excerpt of My Story ;)

I drove home and my fingers clenched the steering wheel and I felt them become clammy. These are all natural symptoms that I get every evening. I pulled in to the driveway and the lights were on in the house. Tai was home already. I got out and silently closed the door. Hands shaking I got out my keys and walked up to my front steps. I opened the door and breathed a sigh of relief. Tai was asleep on the couch. I walked over to him and stared down at my beautiful husband. I noticed that he just got a fresh cut and he was looking right. I didn’t understand how this fine, perfectly sculpture of a man can have more demons than even hell can handle. My eyes fell on something shiny on the floor. It was a butterfly knife and I picked it up. I knelt over him and ran my fingers across his throat in a vertical line. Beside where knife laid was an unopened bottle of absolut I thought to myself, “oh great he’s not tainted.” He began to stir. Damn-it I thought- there goes a few moments of peace that I hoped for. He opened his eyes and looked at me real funny. It could not have been because he saw the knife in my hand because I hid that in my pocket as soon as he began to stir. It must have been because I was still bent over him, so I immediately leant in and gave him a kiss.
“Hey Baby” he whispered.
With that same finger that was ran vertically down his neck I started going in a circular motion around his lips. “Did I wake you? I’m sorry”
“What are you doing?”
“Hmm watching you sleep.”
“Do you do that often?”
I immediately rolled my eyes and stepped back away from him. “F-ck you.” I heard him get up from the couch as I was walking into the kitchen. Damn I really hope he doesn’t follow me, I was definitely not in the mood to hear what he had to say.
“You do all the fucking crazy things and you think I’m weird when I ask you about it.”
“I really don’t find anything weird with watching my husband sleep. If you don’t want me to do it just tell me, and lay off my case.” He started to get closer to me and then I began to flinch, I wasn’t sure what to expect.
“You want to talk about last night?”
“No.” Last night was something I didn’t even want to remember, but my husband always has this way of bringing things up
“Where’s my knife.”
“How do you know I have it?”
“Well it’s not on the floor anymore and it was before you came home”
“I wasn’t sure why you had it. I was protecting you from yourself.” I didn’t even take this conversation further, and handed him the knife. For all I know he probably wasn’t really sleeping when I came in. By this time he was just a breath away from me and the knife was still in his hand.
“You acting real wild girl.” He kissed me really hard and I could feel the knife against my stomach and I am damn sure it was not an accident. He didn’t even need to say anything I knew that meant don’t mess with him. I was breathing really heavy at this point, but also very proud of myself for a. making it out that situation safely and b. he didn’t completely scare me. The night is still young.

Finding

Shackled by my thoughts

Buried within my own self

Drowning in a sea of salt trying to numb the self inflicted pain

Lying in a bed of fear

Captivated by success

Shackled to my pride

Living the life of independent lies

Shackled by life

Shackled by reality

Shackled by love

Shackled by me

LIAR

LOL...Im so sorry readers. A year ago around this time I promised to captivate your mind and your eyes with the story I have allegedly been writing. I've been so enthralled in a personal battle of my own...I had no time at all to retrieve into my fictional role. I hope that the life lessons I have learned are transferable and not too painful to recount...

Better

Today I realize that I was raised by a bunch of strong women. Women that taught me how to fight and how to stay guarded and how to protect myself. I was taught how to be a super women with arms of steel and was blessed with the ability to take on so much and not be broken when life decided that it wanted to get the best of me. These strong women didn't teach me how to live...they didn't teach me how to love freely...they taught me how to always be on step ahead putting my mind before my heart. They taught me to love second because that way you are the last to get hurt..eventually end up doing all the hurting. Ive reached a point in my life where i have refuted these strong women teachings and allowed myself to be vulnerable to what life has to offer. I'm learning how to live and taking baby steps while I do it---it's not something I am too familiar with. I am learning how to love first and how to use my heart in place of my mind--logics don't know how to love like people do.

So what the heck happened. Every time i come to write something, i just cant do it. My favorite escape has become a forgotten pastime.The pen once so fluid in my hands is like carpal tunnel on the dedicated typist working hard to get the job done...except im hardly working.

I'm hoping to share some of my story with my readers soon..i def welcome constructive criticism and seek all sorts guidance u can provide. To introduce my story is about two lost souls battling eachother in the most brutal fights of all. The fight some of us call love. I dont know how the story end, but my characters for sure go through it. Its my hope that both make it out alive, but who knows. Im hoping to have some free time in the near future to ccaptivate your minds as you scroll down the pages...until then leave the loves at the loves

Loving

My hips my thighs they mesmerize the many eyes that searches deep within my soul to know what makes me so whole. Once upon a time…you know when fairy tales were the thing I came across love so spirit-full. The kind that can awake me from that deep slumber, rescue me from fire breathing dragons, save me while I let down my long hair...you know like Rapunzel did and kiss the poison from the forbidden fruit away. Hmm that love made me so weak in the knees I could hardly speak- I lost all control and something def came over me. Remember that one right. That old school love that got me so fired up, got me waiting impatiently for that special touch, to ease my pain, erase my fears and love me for me.

My love had a little remix to it ya know...my walls were crumbled.... my emotions were frozen...and my heart was shattered into millions of pieces. Yea Yea Yea pain comes and goes it wasn’t worth it to begin with. The lies the excuses that became recurrent in the mind. The shouting became louder and louder.... more deafening then anything. Prisoner in the self.... worst then any kind of conviction given in any jurisdiction. My soul was cold...had that false pretenses of being whole. My hips, my thighs, the way that skirt wrapped around those curves...yup that’s what made me so whole. The way I looked while I glide down that street held my head up and silently screamed out of anguish mourning a lost love was my shield...my fortress.... that smile...yea that smile radiated like the sun did. I bet it gave the many hims a run for their money.

Eventually broken hearts get mended...Eventually my thighs wont define the SIZE of my wholeNESS, eventually my spirit will scream dominance and not HELP!!!!! Eventually I’ll say I love you and really mean it

Loves

Captive

Captive

It seems to me that you’ve been set free
for its been a year since I have held your heart in Captivity.
Many nights of longing for your touch had come to an end
Will our hearts ever make amends?
I look into your eyes and you seem to be distant
Mind, body, soul physically mentally absent
Leaving me to oft wonder what a monster you seem to be
Your words though not to my face contradicted my thoughts
For you made me see how much you meant to me.
I guess you and me wasn’t meant to be as you made it seem
You never really let me know how you felt for you assured me
That you have a lot to tell but the words don’t seem to come
Out. The silent stares that brings chills up my spine
and the whispers telling me it will be just fine.
I never believed that you would escape my prison
But the force I had wasn’t strongly driven.
I think I gave my all but no more shall I go in for the fall
I decided that I’m through and leave it all up to you.
I give you my heart and will bear the knowledge of being apart.

Loves

Therein lies my comfort

There are those days when I feel like the world is definitely closing in on me, but then i take the time to realize how blessed and highly favored I am. Never have I been given more than I can bare. I seek comfort in the word and in the promises that it makes to me. Take these promises and reflect on them for a moment. Indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel.

God Bless <3

2 Corinthians 5:17: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."

Refreshed

The best feeling one can get is the feeling of Peace. At first its a scary feeling, but then you breath

Reassurance

So Easter was a little earlier this year. It sometimes is in March, but for the past few yrs it has been in April. But anyways, after Easter service or during im not sure which order it came in I decided that Sunday March 23rd began marked my New Year. Yes New Years began in January, but I decided that the day that my savior was resurrected is fitting to begin my own New Year. I decided that my life should start over on this day and there are certain things that I should be doing and should not be doing as I began my New Year. I needed to love more of myself, my neighbors and of course my Father. I needed to begin this relationship clean and healthy. I needed to do this for myself and for no one else. I thought about how selfish and how blind I have been up until that day in the shower when I realized the Glory of the Lord and how he has worked wonders in my life. I realized that he has saved me every year these past 23yrs of my life. Every year he has kept me from harm and every year has continuosly answered my prayers and given me things that I know I definitely do not deserve. He has held my hands all these 23yrs and allowed me to go through life in stride. He has taught me lessons, he has given me punishments, but all I have learned from. Yes surprisingly after being taught some lessons, I continuosly go back to square one, but this New Year I decided to hold my ground, look forward and head to my goal. I am extremely blessed and though i may moan and groan about troubles of my life and troubles of the world...things happen accordingly and I am never let down.
Everytime I hear "Now Behold the Lamb" by Kirk that one line sticks in my head and I believe it. "Why You Love me So Lord I Shall Never Know". Time after time I consistently fail him and time after time their He is holding his hands out to me from the ground where I have been knocked and he brings me right back up. I hope now as I am up i stay this way and continue to go higher instead of lower. I hope now as I am up others can learn from my faith and grow by it as well.
Loves

My Break

So I sit here hungry, my stomach churning desperate for that knowledge to feed that inner pang. So I sit here, thirsty deeply wanting to quench that fire that is rising from my throat. So I sit here as my legs quiver, fiending for that special touch that will make that insane vibration stop. So I sit here deep in thought thinking that I could just fly so high to the sky and disappear into the clouds. But then I back track, like girl you learn how to walk before you can fly. Gotta learn how to hold your balance before you spread those wings . Gotta learn how to say yes I can and no I won't before you arch your back and prepare for flight. So I sit here and think why can't I let go, why can't you believe, why can't you see. Blinded by the craziness called the mind holding me prisoner to the enemy called thoughts I drown my faith in a sea of salt trying to numb my beliefs, trying to numb my world, but insanity keeps coming after me. Calling my name, pulling my arm, tickling my fancies. Damn you know how I get when you touch me there. I hold the Book close, constantly shuffling through tryna find solace. I get down on my knees constantly tryna find truth. I do find it, but then get lost, then I get loose, and then I lose control of everything around me. So my thoughts are unfinished, cuz my job isn't finished. I've come up for air...damn girl you were there for that long. Jae's on a mission to search for what she is missing.

Loves

Secret Lovers

Sitting at the computer and listening to music and the next hit on my playlist is Secret Lovers by Atlantic Starrs. Everytime I hear this song I always feel some type of way and it always touches me. But here are the lyrics evn though some people might already know it. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

How do I relate....(if he wants you to know he will tell you)

Here we are, the two of us together Takin’ this crazy chance to be all aloneWe both know that we should not be together‘Cause if we’re found out, it could mess upBoth our happy homes
I hate to think about us all meeting up together‘Cause as soon as I look at you it will show on my face, yeahThen they’ll know that we’ve been loving each otherWe can’t let ‘em know, no, no, noWe can’t leave a trace

Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we areWe should not be together But we can’t let go, no, no‘Cause we love each other so
Ooh…ooh…

Sittin’ at home, I do nothin’ all dayBut I think about you and hope that you’re okay Hopin’ you’ll call before anyone gets home I wait anxiously alone by the phone
How could something so wrong be so rightI wish we didn’t have to keep our love out of sight, yeahLiving two lives just ain’t easy at allBut we gotta hang on in there or fall
Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we areWe should not be togetherBut we can’t let go, no, no‘Cause we love each other so

Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we areTryin’ so hard to hide the way we feel‘Cause we both belong to someone elseBut we can’t let go‘Cause what we feel is, oh, so realSo real, so real
You and me, are we friendsIs this cool or do we careCan they tell what’s in our mindsMaybe they’ve had secret loves all of the time

In the middle of making love we notice the timeWe both get nervous ‘cause it’s way after nineEven though we hate it, we know it’s time that we goWe gotta be careful so that no one will know

Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are Trying so hard to hide the way we feel‘Cause we both belong to someone elseBut we can’t let go‘Cause what we feel is, oh, so realSo real, so real, so real, so real

Loves

Source

Reaching my "O"

Shamelessly I lay on my back breathing breaths of air as you explore the rhythm of my body.

Shamelessly I lay and gyrate my hips to match the movement of your rhythm.

Shamelessly I lay as the beats of yours and mine become one.

Shamelessly I lay as your rhythm explores my body.

Effectively awakening the feelings in my toes, my hips, my navel and my breast.

Tossing my head back I get ready for that high point I know you will reach and I too, inevitably.

Shamelessly with my hands on my hips, the movements I followed.
My thighs became my imaginary guitar strumming through the rhythm of your vibrations.

We are nearing the end and I am reaching my peak.
My body explodes with excitement and the rhythm becomes too hot to handle. Head back, knees bent, toes curl I let out a sigh of liberation as you reach your finally.

The vibration stops, your beat drops, my dancing ceases and your rhythm begin to fade.

I need not speak sometimes and you know just what to do.
But I leaned forward to where you laid and changed the track hoping the next song would do it to me again: Just Right.

Thank you iTunes!

Loves

Annoyed

Ever have one of those days where you are just annoyed at everything. You get annoyed when someone says something, when someone does something, or even when someone doesnt pick up the phone and you know that they are around..and just didnt get to the phone quick enough. Ever feel that things are just moving to damn slow and you want to speed it up. Well today that is exactly how I feel....just annoyed. Im thinking if someone does something that annoys me again I am just gonna blow my freaking top....like seriously.
I dont feel like the world is closing in on me..I dont feel like the world is against me...but I just feel that everything is at an akward pace!! I feel like im just one step ahead of life and thats why I get annoyed at certain things..just speed the eff up you know.
But ne ways after an annoying day, I went to choi practice and as if our choir director can sense the anxiety in the room he told us that if we can trace em, we can trust him!! Im like wat the hell does that mean. But then I got it. If you can trace everything he has done for you than you can definitely trust him....and coincidently all yesterday this was on my mind: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and don't lean on your own understanding. In all things acknowledge him, and he shall direct your way"....how weird huh...these weird things always happen to me..i.e this is me moving way ahead of life. I think about this and today someone says it to me!! Slow down...take it easy mama!

Therapy

So i decided that this would be a very therapeutic way of life...shooting off my ideas to God knows who...and making sense of certain things that are going on. So welcome to my world..get a load at Jae's Break. Sorry this one came second....but thats all about knowing Jae....things are different...things happen differently

Loves

Live Life Live Free

So many thoughts/ ideas/ beliefs have been lost because of Capitalism........like Alex Hamilton says "If you stand for nothing you'll fall for anything"......take a stand...assert your beliefs and don't be swayed by corporate America!!!!!!!!! Don't celebrate a holiday if you don't want to.....don't do things just because you have no choice.......life is full of choices thats why we have room to make bad ones. Let's make the next generation a generation EX...a generation of EXCEPTIONAL qualities. Let's make this next generation a generation free from the chains of capitalism and free from the ideas of our forefathers that have given us no sense of identity. It might be really hard for some of us to change our ways... because we are so uprooted in them...and we know our moms will have a fit if we dont call them for mothers day....but everyday should be a celebration of parents. But dont be afraid to think and voice these opinions...someone will listen to you and it only takes one person to make a DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!!!

Loves

Chance

If Given the Chance

If given the chance, I will soar to the depths of my soul
I will search deep within to relieve the sorrows that
refuses my ability to be hole
If given the chance, I will mold my calloused heart soft.
The rampant heart beats will become calm
as a night oceans wave
If given the chance, I will laugh like
never have laughed before.
My happiness will reak havoc on an
anguished mind, mending the
torn interior.
If given the chance, I will filter
my spirit
Deny the entrance of evasive sentiments
that dominate my conscience, my existence.
If given the chance, I will explore my universe,
dance on the surface of stars and still shall my soul be.

Loves