Breakthru

Over the years I have made a list of things that I needed to work on. I've always been so hard on myself, I've been my worst critic, and always looking for "better" Throughout my blog there were a few things that kind of stuck out like a sore thumb. I needed to work on humility, needed to working on trusting the Lord with all my heart, and trusting myself. I needed to learn how to love, and let myself be loved.  I also needed to work on feeling. I have a hard time putting my emotions on the table and that affects everything. It affects the way I come across when speaking to people, it affects my intimate relationships, and it affects just my over all being.
I am also a certified overachiever always trying to one-up no one other than myself.

But when you put up such a hard face/hard front there is a period when you crash and burn. During this crash and burn period you are left to pick up the pieces all by yourself because you've never let anyone close enough to help you put the pieces back together.  So what have I done to make a small breakthru in the life of this hard ass girl?  I've allowed myself to feel, I've allowed myself to be emotionally available not only to myself, but to others.  I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and I have held myself accountable for everything and anything that I have done whilst being vulnerable.  Oh how it hurts though to feel. I have allowed myself to cry (ahhhhhhhhhhhh) in the presence of the one person I promised to never be vulnerable to.

Why she so hard? You'll have to go through one of my postings to find out :-)

My next phase: To open up a bit more, to not be so guarded and to not be so distant.

You wouldn't know this just by looking at me.  There are a lot of things that you probably can't tell just by looking at me.  I probably won't capture everything throughout this journey, but if you are around me perhaps you will see a difference.

Loving you

It never dawned on me until now that loving you hurt you as much as it hurt me.  I seriously wish I could take it back. Not taking back loving you because that was grand lol. Taking back the pain would be clutch

I miss everything about you

I tried over and over to articulate how I have been feeling this past few weeks, but my pride won't let me admit it. But as I was searching for the words today Colbie Caillat's I never told you came on and I said it all for me. I should; however; in the near future put on my big girl panties and just say what I need to say, but in the meantime listen to Colbie w/ me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YtzsUdSC_I&ob=av2e

Stainless Steel

My heart bleeds. My heart bleeds in excess all the time. It's always like a river flowing in the valley, and never a boulder in sight to stop the flow. When it's time to pick up the pieces I take my bandages and dress up my very deep wounds. N0 one ever knows that I bled, I bleed or that I am bleeding. I was born superwoman. Mentally and physically fit to take on life's pains. I am ready though. Ready to be vulnerable to myself, to my heart and to my wounds. All in the name of love.

Leveling up

Wow. It is so amazing when you can actually feel an inner transformation within yourself. I can actually feel myself opening up

Hardest thing I ever had to write

You’ve told me countless time last Saturday to not worry about it, but it’s been hard to put it out of my mind. So I will say what I’ve said over and over again one last time: I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot of things. Not because of what happened because I think this needed to happen. I needed to not have control over my emotions for one second and be vulnerable for a few moments—for once in my life. I apologize for putting you in a complicated position right now in your life, and for making you do what is possibly uncharacteristic of you. I imagine what would have happened if time was on our side. I am grateful that it wasn’t.

I also am sorry for waiting this long to show you this emotional side of me. I confess it’s always been there, but I am amazing at faking the funk. I can’t really say how this made you feel, but if it were me I would be scared, confused and upset. I would ask myself “Why is she showing me now what I would have liked to see so long ago.” Truth is I am emotionally insecure particularly when it comes to you. Not sure why or when that began, but I always felt that I shouldn’t ever let you know how I really feel. In the back of my mind it’s always like what you are feeling can’t be real---nothing is ever real (at least not for me or they just never seem real).

I’m sorry for crying because I imagine how that made you feel. It was selfish of me to make the situation even more awkward then it was. I cried because I fucked up---I truly did. I let my boundaries get in the way of my emotions and I’ve heard a few times eventually the walls come crumbling down. They didn’t need to come down on your kitchen floor—seriously.
To be honest I can’t even recall how this began on Saturday. One minute we were talking then the next I was wrapped in your arms not wanting you to leave and hoping that our little encounter would lead to something else. Again I am grateful it didn’t because the feelings of guilt and remorse I am feeling now would have intensified. Who wants to be “that girl”?—not me.

How do I feel? That’s been the topic of conversation with myself these past few days. I’m not sure how I feel, how I should feel or what I am allowed to feel. I know what I need to feel though-weird? I know I need to feel like Saturday never happened, and that I never felt good with your arms around me or with good your kisses on my lips were. I know that I need to feel like the words I said to you did not exist—however true they rang. I also need to be aware however good, weird, awkward Saturday felt---it was still wrong. And you called it- I respect you even more for that.

I spent the rest of the weekend trying to figure out what you were thinking and trying to read the expressions that you left me with. It was a major fail on my part. What really stuck out was when you said “Let’s forget it ever happened”. Ideally this would be the best thing to do, but can you really? I know I can’t. Not until I have a conversation with you about it—until then I won’t be able to forget.

I hope this experience hasn’t changed your opinions of me, and I hope I haven’t lost a friend in the process. I really appreciate your friendship and our emotional connection---we just need to be mindful and keep it in check all the time. You don’t have to respond to this—hell I’m not even sure you will get a chance to read it, but in case you do I wanted to let you know that everything written comes from the heart.

Let's be honest

Ok so my last post I was a bit discouraged about Law School because of a few personal things going on in my life. I had to hang those thoughts and give myself a reality check. I am so over my worries, and I am looking forward to embarking in whatever journey my life decides to take!

Complete career shift

Hey Hey Hey (lol)

So for the past 20 odd years or so I have been so gungho about going to law school! There was so much that I wanted to do, and I couldn't make up my mind. I wanted to do Juvenile Advocacy, Corporate Law, International Relations and everything else under the sun. All for a specific reason. Now I find myself in some sort of conundrum. There is a different career path that I am considering. I don't even know where to begin with this one. I won't tell you what it is yet. I haven't lost my love for the legal field....I am very much still passionate about it. Is it my calling is what I am most concerned for. The scary moment when you realize your passion may not be your calling. I feel like I should take the LSATs...do well and then make that decision right?

Telling secrets

Admitting to someone that you love them is always so tricky. You never know what to expect or how to deal with the consequences of your actions.

Over it.com

I don't know how many of you were in "relationships" that you were not suppose to be in. And by this I mean relationships with people who were detrimental to your every being. Relationships that got you thinking what were you thinking. Yea JT was just that. He was controlling mentally and emotionally abusive, but hard to breakaway from.  Thank the good Lord we made our separate ways and lived to tell about it.

Balance

<p>My new thing to work on is balance. I've had a hard time keeping a balancing act. Been trying to balance my life, the life of those around me and just everything around me....thus becoming a living sacrifice for everyone that I love.

Laughing!

I've been really busy, and have not really had a chance to think about myself. As usual I have been thinking about everyone else, making sure everyone else is healthy, putting everyone elses needs before mine. You know the usual superwoman save the day type of heroin :-). In the midst of being superwoman, I've had to deal with being manipulated emotionally, lied to, a little vulnerable and some fun somewhere in the middle lol. It's really not in my nature to be selfish so I am not on a "i'm not doing anything for anyone anymore" warpath. I actually enjoy it, but I definitely have realized that I can only do so much.

Most of the vulnerability, manipulation etc.. has been my fault. I never learn! I'm always giving someone the benefit of the doubt and second chances. I never want to hurt peoples feelings, but let them hurt mine. I'm not complaining, but I just need to be better at letting people in.

I'm laughing because I am so grateful for life, and these different experiences. I've grown from them, and I am in a uphill battle trying to be better, do better and feel better. I am grateful for not having a spirit of animosity.

My first heartbreak continued….but not really.

Continued from previous post:
This story was going to be how Eduardo just ripped my heart out of its cavity, but I’m not dwelling on the past. Why bring up old memories when I have so many new ones that I can share. Working on bettering myself through the thoughts that entertain and the people I entertain. No worries the story wasn’t gonna get all extra juicy anyway. I’ll save that for blogspot after dark ;-)

This is my now...but not really

Can't believe how much I've lost sight of things I once use to fight for, and believe in. All things related to the development of myself. I've been so focused on how things are not the way they should be, and I've forgotten how to live, how to breathe, and how to grow. Blah blah blah...

As I reach my breaking point Jordin Sparks This is my Now comes next on the play list..I'm trying to relate Jordin I really am, but I just can't. At least not yet.

My first heartbreak

I fell for him in my sweat pants and wife beater. That day he kept his promise to me, and I ran downstairs with feathered feet. Not a care in the world because the man I was digging was waiting for me in the lobby ( I was just shy of 20 and he was 30). I was captivated by his smile, his curly short hair cut, and the course sound of his voice. He was fine as hell, and I wanted me a piece of Eduardo. I was curious about the red, black, blue and white that ran through his veins. The Trinidad/Tobago and Dominican Republic stylo that penetrated his core. I was smitten.

I met Eduardo on the metro in DC as i was headed to court. He told me to smile, and i was hooked. His reasons for being at the court turned me on..little did i know it shouldnt have at all.

To be continued...

I will love you something FIERCELY

There is always that constant investigation about what Jae is about. I don't feel that I need to share this bit of information with anyone that I dont see myself sharing a piece of me with. Once I open up that box I am at risk of being vulnerable to that one person that knows what it is that makes my heart thump. When I; however; find that person who knows the every beat of my heart and the order of my rhythm I will be so open to letting them explore every crevice of my spirit and my soul. I am willing to share this whole me because love is indeed worth it. When you find that one person that will make you feel like your flying even with your feet on the ground there is nothing that can stop you from being free to live your life by that one persons love.

Excerpt of My Story ;)

I drove home and my fingers clenched the steering wheel and I felt them become clammy. These are all natural symptoms that I get every evening. I pulled in to the driveway and the lights were on in the house. Tai was home already. I got out and silently closed the door. Hands shaking I got out my keys and walked up to my front steps. I opened the door and breathed a sigh of relief. Tai was asleep on the couch. I walked over to him and stared down at my beautiful husband. I noticed that he just got a fresh cut and he was looking right. I didn’t understand how this fine, perfectly sculpture of a man can have more demons than even hell can handle. My eyes fell on something shiny on the floor. It was a butterfly knife and I picked it up. I knelt over him and ran my fingers across his throat in a vertical line. Beside where knife laid was an unopened bottle of absolut I thought to myself, “oh great he’s not tainted.” He began to stir. Damn-it I thought- there goes a few moments of peace that I hoped for. He opened his eyes and looked at me real funny. It could not have been because he saw the knife in my hand because I hid that in my pocket as soon as he began to stir. It must have been because I was still bent over him, so I immediately leant in and gave him a kiss.
“Hey Baby” he whispered.
With that same finger that was ran vertically down his neck I started going in a circular motion around his lips. “Did I wake you? I’m sorry”
“What are you doing?”
“Hmm watching you sleep.”
“Do you do that often?”
I immediately rolled my eyes and stepped back away from him. “F-ck you.” I heard him get up from the couch as I was walking into the kitchen. Damn I really hope he doesn’t follow me, I was definitely not in the mood to hear what he had to say.
“You do all the fucking crazy things and you think I’m weird when I ask you about it.”
“I really don’t find anything weird with watching my husband sleep. If you don’t want me to do it just tell me, and lay off my case.” He started to get closer to me and then I began to flinch, I wasn’t sure what to expect.
“You want to talk about last night?”
“No.” Last night was something I didn’t even want to remember, but my husband always has this way of bringing things up
“Where’s my knife.”
“How do you know I have it?”
“Well it’s not on the floor anymore and it was before you came home”
“I wasn’t sure why you had it. I was protecting you from yourself.” I didn’t even take this conversation further, and handed him the knife. For all I know he probably wasn’t really sleeping when I came in. By this time he was just a breath away from me and the knife was still in his hand.
“You acting real wild girl.” He kissed me really hard and I could feel the knife against my stomach and I am damn sure it was not an accident. He didn’t even need to say anything I knew that meant don’t mess with him. I was breathing really heavy at this point, but also very proud of myself for a. making it out that situation safely and b. he didn’t completely scare me. The night is still young.

Finding

Shackled by my thoughts

Buried within my own self

Drowning in a sea of salt trying to numb the self inflicted pain

Lying in a bed of fear

Captivated by success

Shackled to my pride

Living the life of independent lies

Shackled by life

Shackled by reality

Shackled by love

Shackled by me

LIAR

LOL...Im so sorry readers. A year ago around this time I promised to captivate your mind and your eyes with the story I have allegedly been writing. I've been so enthralled in a personal battle of my own...I had no time at all to retrieve into my fictional role. I hope that the life lessons I have learned are transferable and not too painful to recount...

Better

Today I realize that I was raised by a bunch of strong women. Women that taught me how to fight and how to stay guarded and how to protect myself. I was taught how to be a super women with arms of steel and was blessed with the ability to take on so much and not be broken when life decided that it wanted to get the best of me. These strong women didn't teach me how to live...they didn't teach me how to love freely...they taught me how to always be on step ahead putting my mind before my heart. They taught me to love second because that way you are the last to get hurt..eventually end up doing all the hurting. Ive reached a point in my life where i have refuted these strong women teachings and allowed myself to be vulnerable to what life has to offer. I'm learning how to live and taking baby steps while I do it---it's not something I am too familiar with. I am learning how to love first and how to use my heart in place of my mind--logics don't know how to love like people do.