I will love you something FIERCELY

There is always that constant investigation about what Jae is about. I don't feel that I need to share this bit of information with anyone that I dont see myself sharing a piece of me with. Once I open up that box I am at risk of being vulnerable to that one person that knows what it is that makes my heart thump. When I; however; find that person who knows the every beat of my heart and the order of my rhythm I will be so open to letting them explore every crevice of my spirit and my soul. I am willing to share this whole me because love is indeed worth it. When you find that one person that will make you feel like your flying even with your feet on the ground there is nothing that can stop you from being free to live your life by that one persons love.

Excerpt of My Story ;)

I drove home and my fingers clenched the steering wheel and I felt them become clammy. These are all natural symptoms that I get every evening. I pulled in to the driveway and the lights were on in the house. Tai was home already. I got out and silently closed the door. Hands shaking I got out my keys and walked up to my front steps. I opened the door and breathed a sigh of relief. Tai was asleep on the couch. I walked over to him and stared down at my beautiful husband. I noticed that he just got a fresh cut and he was looking right. I didn’t understand how this fine, perfectly sculpture of a man can have more demons than even hell can handle. My eyes fell on something shiny on the floor. It was a butterfly knife and I picked it up. I knelt over him and ran my fingers across his throat in a vertical line. Beside where knife laid was an unopened bottle of absolut I thought to myself, “oh great he’s not tainted.” He began to stir. Damn-it I thought- there goes a few moments of peace that I hoped for. He opened his eyes and looked at me real funny. It could not have been because he saw the knife in my hand because I hid that in my pocket as soon as he began to stir. It must have been because I was still bent over him, so I immediately leant in and gave him a kiss.
“Hey Baby” he whispered.
With that same finger that was ran vertically down his neck I started going in a circular motion around his lips. “Did I wake you? I’m sorry”
“What are you doing?”
“Hmm watching you sleep.”
“Do you do that often?”
I immediately rolled my eyes and stepped back away from him. “F-ck you.” I heard him get up from the couch as I was walking into the kitchen. Damn I really hope he doesn’t follow me, I was definitely not in the mood to hear what he had to say.
“You do all the fucking crazy things and you think I’m weird when I ask you about it.”
“I really don’t find anything weird with watching my husband sleep. If you don’t want me to do it just tell me, and lay off my case.” He started to get closer to me and then I began to flinch, I wasn’t sure what to expect.
“You want to talk about last night?”
“No.” Last night was something I didn’t even want to remember, but my husband always has this way of bringing things up
“Where’s my knife.”
“How do you know I have it?”
“Well it’s not on the floor anymore and it was before you came home”
“I wasn’t sure why you had it. I was protecting you from yourself.” I didn’t even take this conversation further, and handed him the knife. For all I know he probably wasn’t really sleeping when I came in. By this time he was just a breath away from me and the knife was still in his hand.
“You acting real wild girl.” He kissed me really hard and I could feel the knife against my stomach and I am damn sure it was not an accident. He didn’t even need to say anything I knew that meant don’t mess with him. I was breathing really heavy at this point, but also very proud of myself for a. making it out that situation safely and b. he didn’t completely scare me. The night is still young.

Finding

Shackled by my thoughts

Buried within my own self

Drowning in a sea of salt trying to numb the self inflicted pain

Lying in a bed of fear

Captivated by success

Shackled to my pride

Living the life of independent lies

Shackled by life

Shackled by reality

Shackled by love

Shackled by me

LIAR

LOL...Im so sorry readers. A year ago around this time I promised to captivate your mind and your eyes with the story I have allegedly been writing. I've been so enthralled in a personal battle of my own...I had no time at all to retrieve into my fictional role. I hope that the life lessons I have learned are transferable and not too painful to recount...

Better

Today I realize that I was raised by a bunch of strong women. Women that taught me how to fight and how to stay guarded and how to protect myself. I was taught how to be a super women with arms of steel and was blessed with the ability to take on so much and not be broken when life decided that it wanted to get the best of me. These strong women didn't teach me how to live...they didn't teach me how to love freely...they taught me how to always be on step ahead putting my mind before my heart. They taught me to love second because that way you are the last to get hurt..eventually end up doing all the hurting. Ive reached a point in my life where i have refuted these strong women teachings and allowed myself to be vulnerable to what life has to offer. I'm learning how to live and taking baby steps while I do it---it's not something I am too familiar with. I am learning how to love first and how to use my heart in place of my mind--logics don't know how to love like people do.