Leveling up

Wow. It is so amazing when you can actually feel an inner transformation within yourself. I can actually feel myself opening up

Hardest thing I ever had to write

You’ve told me countless time last Saturday to not worry about it, but it’s been hard to put it out of my mind. So I will say what I’ve said over and over again one last time: I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot of things. Not because of what happened because I think this needed to happen. I needed to not have control over my emotions for one second and be vulnerable for a few moments—for once in my life. I apologize for putting you in a complicated position right now in your life, and for making you do what is possibly uncharacteristic of you. I imagine what would have happened if time was on our side. I am grateful that it wasn’t.

I also am sorry for waiting this long to show you this emotional side of me. I confess it’s always been there, but I am amazing at faking the funk. I can’t really say how this made you feel, but if it were me I would be scared, confused and upset. I would ask myself “Why is she showing me now what I would have liked to see so long ago.” Truth is I am emotionally insecure particularly when it comes to you. Not sure why or when that began, but I always felt that I shouldn’t ever let you know how I really feel. In the back of my mind it’s always like what you are feeling can’t be real---nothing is ever real (at least not for me or they just never seem real).

I’m sorry for crying because I imagine how that made you feel. It was selfish of me to make the situation even more awkward then it was. I cried because I fucked up---I truly did. I let my boundaries get in the way of my emotions and I’ve heard a few times eventually the walls come crumbling down. They didn’t need to come down on your kitchen floor—seriously.
To be honest I can’t even recall how this began on Saturday. One minute we were talking then the next I was wrapped in your arms not wanting you to leave and hoping that our little encounter would lead to something else. Again I am grateful it didn’t because the feelings of guilt and remorse I am feeling now would have intensified. Who wants to be “that girl”?—not me.

How do I feel? That’s been the topic of conversation with myself these past few days. I’m not sure how I feel, how I should feel or what I am allowed to feel. I know what I need to feel though-weird? I know I need to feel like Saturday never happened, and that I never felt good with your arms around me or with good your kisses on my lips were. I know that I need to feel like the words I said to you did not exist—however true they rang. I also need to be aware however good, weird, awkward Saturday felt---it was still wrong. And you called it- I respect you even more for that.

I spent the rest of the weekend trying to figure out what you were thinking and trying to read the expressions that you left me with. It was a major fail on my part. What really stuck out was when you said “Let’s forget it ever happened”. Ideally this would be the best thing to do, but can you really? I know I can’t. Not until I have a conversation with you about it—until then I won’t be able to forget.

I hope this experience hasn’t changed your opinions of me, and I hope I haven’t lost a friend in the process. I really appreciate your friendship and our emotional connection---we just need to be mindful and keep it in check all the time. You don’t have to respond to this—hell I’m not even sure you will get a chance to read it, but in case you do I wanted to let you know that everything written comes from the heart.

Let's be honest

Ok so my last post I was a bit discouraged about Law School because of a few personal things going on in my life. I had to hang those thoughts and give myself a reality check. I am so over my worries, and I am looking forward to embarking in whatever journey my life decides to take!

Complete career shift

Hey Hey Hey (lol)

So for the past 20 odd years or so I have been so gungho about going to law school! There was so much that I wanted to do, and I couldn't make up my mind. I wanted to do Juvenile Advocacy, Corporate Law, International Relations and everything else under the sun. All for a specific reason. Now I find myself in some sort of conundrum. There is a different career path that I am considering. I don't even know where to begin with this one. I won't tell you what it is yet. I haven't lost my love for the legal field....I am very much still passionate about it. Is it my calling is what I am most concerned for. The scary moment when you realize your passion may not be your calling. I feel like I should take the LSATs...do well and then make that decision right?

Telling secrets

Admitting to someone that you love them is always so tricky. You never know what to expect or how to deal with the consequences of your actions.

Over it.com

I don't know how many of you were in "relationships" that you were not suppose to be in. And by this I mean relationships with people who were detrimental to your every being. Relationships that got you thinking what were you thinking. Yea JT was just that. He was controlling mentally and emotionally abusive, but hard to breakaway from.  Thank the good Lord we made our separate ways and lived to tell about it.

Balance

<p>My new thing to work on is balance. I've had a hard time keeping a balancing act. Been trying to balance my life, the life of those around me and just everything around me....thus becoming a living sacrifice for everyone that I love.

Laughing!

I've been really busy, and have not really had a chance to think about myself. As usual I have been thinking about everyone else, making sure everyone else is healthy, putting everyone elses needs before mine. You know the usual superwoman save the day type of heroin :-). In the midst of being superwoman, I've had to deal with being manipulated emotionally, lied to, a little vulnerable and some fun somewhere in the middle lol. It's really not in my nature to be selfish so I am not on a "i'm not doing anything for anyone anymore" warpath. I actually enjoy it, but I definitely have realized that I can only do so much.

Most of the vulnerability, manipulation etc.. has been my fault. I never learn! I'm always giving someone the benefit of the doubt and second chances. I never want to hurt peoples feelings, but let them hurt mine. I'm not complaining, but I just need to be better at letting people in.

I'm laughing because I am so grateful for life, and these different experiences. I've grown from them, and I am in a uphill battle trying to be better, do better and feel better. I am grateful for not having a spirit of animosity.

My first heartbreak continued….but not really.

Continued from previous post:
This story was going to be how Eduardo just ripped my heart out of its cavity, but I’m not dwelling on the past. Why bring up old memories when I have so many new ones that I can share. Working on bettering myself through the thoughts that entertain and the people I entertain. No worries the story wasn’t gonna get all extra juicy anyway. I’ll save that for blogspot after dark ;-)

This is my now...but not really

Can't believe how much I've lost sight of things I once use to fight for, and believe in. All things related to the development of myself. I've been so focused on how things are not the way they should be, and I've forgotten how to live, how to breathe, and how to grow. Blah blah blah...

As I reach my breaking point Jordin Sparks This is my Now comes next on the play list..I'm trying to relate Jordin I really am, but I just can't. At least not yet.

My first heartbreak

I fell for him in my sweat pants and wife beater. That day he kept his promise to me, and I ran downstairs with feathered feet. Not a care in the world because the man I was digging was waiting for me in the lobby ( I was just shy of 20 and he was 30). I was captivated by his smile, his curly short hair cut, and the course sound of his voice. He was fine as hell, and I wanted me a piece of Eduardo. I was curious about the red, black, blue and white that ran through his veins. The Trinidad/Tobago and Dominican Republic stylo that penetrated his core. I was smitten.

I met Eduardo on the metro in DC as i was headed to court. He told me to smile, and i was hooked. His reasons for being at the court turned me on..little did i know it shouldnt have at all.

To be continued...