I've been meaning to come here for a while, but I have been avoiding it like the bubonic plague. In the back of my mind I knew what needed to be done on here. I needed to let it all out, and let the universe make with it what it wanted. So many things I need to touch on, but we will start slow! I mean there's a point where you stop bleeding. Right? Right???? I truly hope so.
June 5th marked the anniversary of my dads birthday. For years I never said anything about him, his birthday or his death (because I didn't know the exact day until a couple of months ago). Not because I was ashamed, but truly because that was a piece of me that I didn't want to share with anyone. In addition to not wanting to share this with anyone I really didn't think anyone cared to listen about how I felt about the whole situation.
Over the past few years I have gone through so many emotions related to him. I've gone from hating him, to missing him, to wanting to turn back the hands of time, and that little girl yearning for a touch she will never feel again. Currently I have reached the point where I can talk about him, I can look at pictures without feeling betrayed and guilty for being a statistic. I do miss that man though. There is so much I would have learned, and so much I wouldn't have done if I had him in my life. Not because I needed a paternal figure in my life--I have plenty of those, but because he could set me straight.
July 22 marks the 19th anniversary of his death. A death that not only took me by surprise, but completely turned my life around. I had an ah ha moment in 2008 because I thought a certain event justified why he was no longer around, but I take that ah ha moment back. I am hoping and praying that God grants me some sort of clarity.
Than I will thank God for granting me that moment of clarity---that moment of honesty.
Yours till the rain bows
Jenny
No comments:
Post a Comment